raziel101001

	Feb. 26th, 2008 @ 12:18 am

second key frag found.

What to do what to do?	Feb. 18th, 2008 @ 10:21 pm

I got a bit on my mind over my head at work or at least I think so that or I’m just a bit loopy I can’t seem to focus- but I think that s due to all the people that need answers to projects that aren’t mine, are mine, close to mine, or were mine. I got 20 taken off me just so I can work with the head boss (ie president of the company on a project actually 2). Man I’m out side the boat feeling like I’m being pulled to the bottom, but hay no ones questioning my degree any more they just yell at the new people and I drift further into ambivalence.

But in any case I pretty board work is just work and really I cant get out, in the out doors since I kinda froze my shoes (k the outside the center was still squishy because of socks and well myself still producing heat) when I tried to go out yesterday I did get my 1.5 miles in according to goggle but I should have gotten the stick out for balance.

Hay Kerith /Joe if you see this I plan on raiding your place- the question I pose…. Vodka or Rum? … ok Tequila and whiskey but please be nice no scotch. My liver is out of practice too so I see this as a handy cap.

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AB and EoTS = much pain	Feb. 13th, 2008 @ 12:06 am

The BG’s sucked today ie it would have been better to go just for the HK and not FTW. Well it happens maybe I should Whity up (BE mage) but I’m lazy and don’t want to try to level up another toon in PVP (you learn to hate yourself till your LVL 50 or so than it gets better till you get into BC). Also though the Allies (or pink skins, and or long ears) thin out at the top most are in Hilsbred proving there worth ganking guys at lvl 20s or XR that’s always a great place to go.

Other than that got the Lock and Priest closer to Kara attunement however I think that the Priest will have more of a chance, Because I’m a N00B and people just drag the batty healer along. With a Lock I have to think, PVP = easy with Lock though – Run, Dot, LT, dot more, fear, Dot, LT, and Die or if you live feast on the fallen for more HP and make sure fel armors up cannibalism counts as a spell.

I need to add more acronyms to this like PWND, or wtf guys, man 10 bgs in the past 2 days and not a win yet for AB… and since its Valentines day…BOUSH IS LOVE!

So were to begin….	Feb. 11th, 2008 @ 10:24 pm

Lets start at work I got shit done this entire morning I had people coming to me and I was able to deal with them and make it so I didn’t have any more on my plate. My boss was out which put me as a sudo supervisor in the group I am getting a bit tired of explaining things to Sam but it happens. Also about the formulas that I use some of those are fun.

I feel pretty good, I’m afraid that I may develop an ego. Had a great night last Saturday it did leave me in a daze though I haven’t been able to get out of. I kind of should because it just makes want to get out work sooner, again that may not be a bad thing. Damn I’m not used to this ahh well I just have to repeat don’t get carried away over and over. I’m too impatient I just feel really good ATM and I don’t know what to do with it- emotions tend to hype me up and give me a bit more energy to move. I just haven’t found a way to release this one effective hell I’ve even tried to burn it off when running around town.

Well it is what it is, and most don’t get to see this side of me at least till the solstice or equinox. Well its been fun and I got to gather my mind up again and rebuild so I can surpass what I am now or at least attempt to. I miss the people that I used to sit with till 4 am , even better all the people that know all the “good” stories about me I cant really start naming names well I could I just have individual stories about the lot of you and memories that involve each of you – like Vikings come home I got some real winners out of my years going to that event. Than again for all of you haven’t seen in a bit I got some real winners that I can tell you about. Hay Devon if you still read this occasionally I understand how you feel or felt also to the point my heads doing the exact thing you were vocalizing about 2 years ago.

Man the part of my brain that’s active seems like it’s going insane but in a good way. God I’m not used to this.

» So how’s that living thing going

Other entries

So I think that I’m reverting a bit to what I was stress at work has got me all forms of irritated to the point that I’ve become vary short with people. I’ve also kinda deluded my minds so I can cope with it to the point that I’ve detached myself and have been living in my own head so I can try to get away from work. This in turn makes my work suffer witch in turn make me more miserable, frankly I haven’t felt this bad since high school. And this leads to the next point since I’m there I think that I’m insane or at least not right according to societal standards. What does this mean? Am I here by my mind I forget whether I am or not or what I’m doing I‘m constantly living in confusion due to this. That being said the amount programming that I put into myself in order to deal with people I dislike or just to let go and give autonomy to my body to move and use the data at my disposal is paying off. Though it is not complete autonomy I just can drift in and out of consciousness.
That is work; work leaves me unfulfilled and angry for existing.
Why do people think so highly of me? I think I’m not that great though I’m with myself all the time so it gets boring for me. Human interaction is an odd thing; most of the talk is bland and doesn’t apply to me. I wonder why I cant relate to people?
Again the world seems so far away and I’m the only one here at the end. I can hear and still see, feelings a bit numb but that’s not the point I feel as though I’m a stranger in my own land.
My head seems about the same, sort of like a fever with a slow pulse of pressure in the front that in creases and fades at about 20 second intervals. I can see hands and still have control on what they do but they don’t seem like mine nor does the rest of me. recanization of myself has never really been a strong point of my mind since years of self loathing and hatred have whittled away at the ego and left as I am. A hollow and somewhat cold being, what I must ask is why don’t I seem that way toward others, is it simply that I hate myself and is that I feel this way? Or is it that I feel unsatisfied at what I am? I think for the most part I’ve just lowered my standards for people.
I guess I do have hope though, the fool that I am at my core always looks for it, but it’s not really over I just think we need to see what is important. Are we to see what we can gather monetarily or see what we can find out about ourselves? There is no real answer in the end everything will fall apart, but the think that I look forward to is to see what type of ripple can I leave on society. I wish I could show people how I view the world. I wish I could convince people to try to understand themselves. What do we bring this world and its people?
And in the end I’m alone in my own head looking at the word wondering what I can do.
Jan. 29th, 2008 @ 10:50 pm

» ahh society...(title unfinished)

So is it just me or does society in general seems a bit bland. I mean I can’t understand people nor can I really understand how to deal with them though I seem to do alright just stumbling threw it. My general point is do people like talking about things with substance, I know I like acting like a moron every once in a wile it usually allows the mind to relax or to me it can be funny. I just don’t understand how people can go threw the day just in this daze of pointless talking and uncomfortably trying to speak with some one that in reality you have nothing in common with.

I can’t read minds nor can others read mine. So we are just island’s to our selves sending messages in a bottle to each other over time. (yea there are better analogies). I will say I have grown comfortable with my demeanor though for the most part my life lacks substance or at least that’s how it feels, but that’s why I have groups and people that I try to fill the void up with.

Witch comes to another question. What hold purpose? Yourself, society, others… and the list continues. I feel sad for our society we seem to be eating our tail in order to gain substance for being. But people will try to seek nourishment any were they can find it even if its malnutrious.
Nov. 6th, 2007 @ 12:16 am

» Who said insanity is out of style

I keep up going to interviews but I’m starting to lose my momentum. Than again most companies come at me like I’m not qualified to clean up shit, but hay that’s life. I have another interview this upcoming Monday in Rockford (if I had a choice this would be ideal). They need a programmer and not java or C++ witch looks exactly the same in my opinion though I just sit and make simple “Hello World” type code (fine a bit bigger than that), But there looking for a DAQ guy, data acquisition, and I can do that wile watching porn, this theory has been tested.
King Daly is still going and I’m still kinda spacey so I don’t think much has changed. But as I said I have momentum not sure ware I’m going I’m just moving crashing threw all that I encounter. Wow accurate description.
Damn I wish this was easier and I didn’t have to deal with choices, shallow but true, it’s like brain gristle. But it just seems like I’m moving in circles and I’m just in a dead end. College was easy wake up, waist time, sit in class, waist more time, finish projects, waist time, scavenge for food, eat, pass out possibly do more school related stuff. Easy life style, now I’m wasting cash trying to find a soul sucking job. Well time to pass out.
Mar. 7th, 2007 @ 01:33 am

» So another paper

I get write on ethics again and I find myself board with it I have most of my ethical view points spiraling like the nucleus of a solar system. Core beliefs with other beliefs strung together with the cores pull.

Other than that I’m feeling jaded and angry, more on the angry side, stress tends to bring out the best in me, the half attentive to detail the other toward self-loathing, yea for being emo.

I guess I just let people get to me, I take criticism pretty harshly but hay my brain is held together with religious propaganda and momentum. I’m going for a full burn out, it feels like I just want to start snapping at people and push them away I guess I just need something but myself to lash out at so my brain pick targets that it has already acquired and put some hate into, the entire reason though is a bit of pressure about 1 inch above my hair line right in the middle of my head that has moved from just above my right eye.

I’m just a bit stressed
Nov. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:03 am

» I was in the neighborhood

I feel a bit distracted I keep drifting into a fight that I want to have. But I know I don’t fight no more, I don’t have the mind for it. The entire point to fighting is to kill and that situation rarely if ever prevents itself, but I feel like it. Than again I’m just kinda waiting and it doesn’t look I’m going to go anywhere. Man I’m out of shape guess I should push my self a bit more during practice.
Nov. 9th, 2006 @ 01:31 am

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» Don't ask me I don't know

Is the feeling of being useless universal to everyone? I cant shake the feeling of utter defeat that I feel as I move. I just feel like I’m moving with out a purpose or reason and I can’t stand that, or the thought that your not welcome that seeps into your mind. It does seem to be a common occurrence. I don’t like change and I’m going to be forced to at some point in the next few months. I feel kinda overwhelmed I cant think I cant even make common links in my mind I think of one problem and than another comes to mind and everything that comes with that issue. Hell I was a wreck going to the concert on Saturday. Contrary to belief I don’t like people and mass quantities of them even less. Though it does let me forget myself and go with what isn’t quite me, as I say my body knows the way.
And when do you become not you any more? I live in a bubble, I wake up and just zone out the weeks; classes mean almost nothing I have almost no motivation to do anything and all that I do is sleep walk it seems.
Oct. 22nd, 2006 @ 11:23 pm

» Can you see the life that you live?

I feel hollow there is no point to my existence, and yes there must be a point to all existence. Maybe I haven’t found it, maybe I should be patient but my mind won’t allow for it. If there is no point to going and every day is painful experience why stay? I have heard many arguments against suicide yet one holds any substance for me. That it is a mortal Sin in Gods eye, so doing it will condemn you to eternal damn nation. “It’s a cowards way out” no I don’t agree with that statement the cowards way out is to make another take their life because they can’t take their own. What derives some one to suicide, the knowledge that tomorrow, the day after and the day after that will be as miserable or just as monotonous as today. There is no point to you life, no reason to be. Again why do you need a reason to exist? Because without a reason you are meaningless, and so is everyone around you. How may will die before anything matters 10, 20, 1000 they all are just numbers. Are the ones around you the only ones that matter? No, they are the same as all the rest however to me they are important. Why? Because we are all alone in the world, what you are is not what others think you are nor is it what you think of yourself as. I am an angry person I dread life I use my headphones as a form of escapism to try not to think of things and to bounce from one point to another. I’m not sure if any reading this understand but I don’t like this granted I do look forward to certain days but my life is still hollow and I’m just trying to fill it with every thing I can in order to try to feel justified in living and to try to drowned out my own self-hatred. I know many don’t see me this way but you don’t live in my head.

p.s I don’t plan on dieing or taking my own life I just felt like ranting for a bit so I didn’t scare whoever I was talking to.
Sep. 27th, 2006 @ 12:41 am

» Yes more insane thoughts from the mind

So I think I broke something but hell I live threw it. Not really a pain matter but it sneaks up on you. I need to work on being faster a bit slow for fighting also need my other arm to just do what the right one dose and work on its own.

It’s a pain seeing happy people it just makes you realize how miserable you are, but that is life; wish me luck on that front or don’t your call. I’m bitter and kinda jaded and I think I like the idea of becoming old, less people care that I’m angry and set in my ways.
Aug. 29th, 2006 @ 05:49 am

» Havnt done one of these in a bit
Find your Celestial Choir Aug. 28th, 2006 @ 01:38 pm (Leave a comment)

» Mmm burnt hand…

So my dad changed something on the grill today, short story even shorter, I got an easy hair removal system going.

The wonderful world of sim chips. I’m looking to replace one of my pc2100 256MB chips in the comp to a 512 but most places tell me that there are about 5 products with the same name but only one will work, meh. Ill just pick and chose the only problem is the scrap yard won’t have what I need.

I just want to sit and drink this week. Not a little, in excess. I figure ive been feeling like I’m going to fall over in my chair I might as well have a reason to. I’m also watching some ones cat wile there at Pensic this weekend, hope they are having a better time than me though if I was there I think I would be worse off, not in the mood for new people or a lot of them. I talk too much in front of new people nervous habit that is easily cured with alcohol, though I suspect their tolerance of me is the only thing that is increased. In an unrelated note I hear a knife being scraped on what sounds like concrete outside.
Aug. 16th, 2006 @ 01:28 am

» So I’ve been listening

I’ve found a song that sums up what I think. Its on repeat, it makes me want to just stop. I’m not sure if anything is really worth it. I’m forgetting things, hell I’m forgetting to even see. Is this what they call melancholy? When all you want to do is fade or die, to be taken from existence or fall into a deep form of dementia so that you yourself cannot be found. Ctrl+alt+delete and reset that’s about all you can do. Just delete files and reboot load software, remember to only run programs that are needed and detach hardware that is not needed for normal operation.
It’s like I’m not thinking about the actions I’m taking but my body knows the operation. I shot 7 arrows in rapid succession today just glancing at the target the grouping was about 5 inches apart, 2 in form center at 25-30 ft or so, excluding one outlier that was my last shot due to a question that caused me to think that my dad asked. The less I think the better I become at physical activity and living for the most part.
I can’t believe that I have done anything in my life, I’m looking around and all I have are faded memories of what I’ve done, I feel useless, and nothing I do will amount to anything. There is no reason to move there is no reason to wake up. Life itself is dream and I can’t get out I want to sleep. I guess I’m graduating this year, not sure why or what I’ve done but I guess I am.
Aug. 14th, 2006 @ 12:14 pm

» Are you sure?

I cant quite place it but things are come in and out of reality. To elaborate I look at my hands I don’t see the connection between than and myself. Do I control my body but my body not control me? (like a diode controlling a one way flow).

I can’t deal with people I can barely understand what they are saying when they speak no one really makes sense. To be fair though I don’t really pay attention any more when people speak, life is dull possibly because I’ve been distancing myself from it. Everything can be broken down to a mechanical process that you can follow and not care for the consequences as long as you don’t realize what’s happening. It’s amazing what you can do, shrug off pain close yourself off to others and become numb to all feeling. What do you have to do to reach this? Come to the conclusion that death is a better alternative than the life that you live. After that, well nothing really seems important anymore and you can just go about with the care-free feeling that death is the worst thing that can happen and the best possibility. It is important to realize this applies to your self and not others, they may care.

But with this I have come to a conclusion that my numbness, for lack of better term, is more mental than physical. To describe it, I forget that that’s pain depending on how bad, most thing just on the surface (skin layer) don’t bother me too much.
Aug. 8th, 2006 @ 11:58 pm

» why not?

You scored as Fallen Angel. You are a Fallen Angel empath. You have not found your place in this world yet and wander as a lost soul. Your wings have been clipped but you know deep inside they will grow back. You need to fly free and proud. Fallen Angels are spiritual beings who were trapped by flesh, and are now seeking to spread their wings again. (from the Book of Storms by Jad Alexander)

</td>

Fallen Angel

85%

Judge

85%

Artist

70%

Traveler

65%

Universal

60%

Precog

60%

Shaman

50%

Healer

45%

What Kind of Empath Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Jul. 3rd, 2006 @ 04:34 pm

» drunk, sue me.

Leave life to the living you are dead and that is the way it should be. You cannot live with that that is around and roam with the knowledge that you exist. You see thing that are not there and hear them even though they are in you mind. Grabbing reality by its essence and creating a universe unto itself dose not negate the true one itself; it only prolongs the self-educed state of self-delusion that corrupts the mind.
I cant here or see but what is reality?
It is that that plagues me that witch is and will be. It is that which holds me to the tightest bonds of self-delusion and tortures me with reality.
You can’t see it? Can you?
Look to the sky’s and see your self it’s prospects your live your dearth and relies it is all a mistake. Understand that you mean nothing and you should die. What do you mean your worth something? you abolute must understand your signifigance with life and reality and thus you mean nothing. But than why live?
To make other happy.
Than threw others happy ness you find reason.
I have no other purpose.
Why not?
Why not see yourself in hell? Rise above all else and claim victory as your own.
I don’t live nor do I exist.
Shut up and except it. You are what you are made to be.
And what is that?
That which you are and nothing else.
But what is that?
Stop thinking that is the flaw with design.
No you are wrong, you don’t exist
Why cant you die and leave me be?
Stop. Leave me alone.
You can’t live you shouldn’t. You can’t see nor do you exist.
And you can?
Live and don’t look. Se the reality in front of you and run. Bleed and kill yourself, your nothing and all that you are is gone you mean absolutely nothing.
How can you be sure?
Because I see and you don’t. your life is nothing and you must except that to die.
That is gone and al that’s left is noting with all that is rambling in my reality.
You cant see and that is the problem. Your life is meaningless because you accept your death as a resort to a unfixable situation. You can’t hear the song? You can’t hear the screaming of those who are around you?
I can’t see… or hear I don’t understand.. help me.
I will but understand you are nothing and except that, you see nothing you feel nothing exist without interaction and understand that you are meaning less. Just give up and give it… over.
I’m tired. I cant… raealy.
Just sleep you need nothing. You are nothing and should remain nothing.
I cant feel. My limbs are dead. I am silent yet I speak. May I die and unknowingly at that.
Jul. 2nd, 2006 @ 01:18 am

» Update

Every one has their insanity. It’s a matter of finding or what is tied o in most cases. It just not a mild passing thought it is something that carries all the way to the core of their being. That is the purpose of first contact, to find what sets people off and what makes them recoil. This sounds really bad doesn’t it? But a lot of people just leave it out there in the open right for everyone to see or maybe it’s just me? The little gift I picked up, as a student of life and existence (as we all are or I assume since your reading this) you just need to listen to the thoughts and look for the patterns outside your own walls of your mind and try to understand that your synapses fire almost the same as theirs, or at least there is a correlation between the design and schematic of the mind. About the view see the world threw the tainted eyes of the enemy and understand them. That is all.

And PS quartzos I’ve been meaning to call work kills me and past weeks been consumed for the most part.

In other news guess who I pissed off? Have you guessed it? Odds are if you know me in the SCA or in college you’ll get it. The answer a lesbian, and I’m not sure how, mostly. I think it happened when she hugged a women next to me at dinner (she was on the other side of me) so I had them hugging I’m my lap. To quote myself “I win.” To a table full of scadeans. I herd for the next 2-3 hours how her girlfriends could beat me up. Now most of you know how I take to threats on my person or body…. With a smile and shit eating grin and “Sure, they probably could, but hell it could be fun.”

I don’t like people threatening me. It angers me usually, at least when I’m fairly sure their not kidding, and I do tend to remember things like that, slights against me too I remember those especially if you sounded like a cocky son of a bitch too.

Ohh and there was a nice show the event… it was trimed.
Jun. 26th, 2006 @ 12:49 am